Check disrespect early

how understanding cognitive dissonance can protect you from terrible situations

There’s a couple I used to hang out with a lot, let’s call them David and Angela. They’d been dating five years and Angela often mentioned preparing to get married. But every time the topic came up, David would get this blatantly annoyed, dismissive look on his face; he’d almost roll his eyes to the rest of us. His expression seemed to say, “guys, she can think what she wants, ugh. But whoever said I wanted to get married?” He didn’t even try to hide it from her. I always wondered, didn’t she notice it? Didn’t it hurt her feelings? They actually did end up getting married that year, and divorced just three months later. Apparently, of course, she had noticed. She ended up devastated; he started dating a coworker immediately.

Sadly, I’ve seen many relationships like this, where one partner is somewhat openly disrespectful to the other. He makes snide little remarks about her, rolls his eyes or makes a face, and it’s uncomfortable to witness. The relationship started off well, so how do things get that far?

In short: bit by bit. We like to think our thoughts and judgements are logical and stable re: how much we like someone (including ourselves). But, we’re constantly updating those views with bits and bobs we come across that are not necessarily facts. Our minds will do whatever it takes to make our thoughts, behaviors, and feelings all feel consistent and make sense together. So when we act out of line with our prior beliefs/feelings, we feel an uncomfortable tension called “cognitive dissonance.” A strong urge comes up to resolve it, either by changing your actions or changing the belief. Unfortunately, since the action is already done, and overriding it with logic would be fancy and complicated, our default response is to change the beliefs, and rationalize what we just did. It’s easier and faster. (Harmon-Jones, 2019)

So with each small disrespect towards Angela, David’s thinking gradually shifts. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he thinks “huh, if I liked this person, how do I account for all these memories I have now of treating her badly? I must not like her that much. And, if she were so great, why did she go along with it all these times? Actually, maybe she deserved it.” And his emotional reaction to her, which started out positive, gradually slides towards contempt. This way, his mind is satisfied; his actions and beliefs align and make sense.

Effects on her as well

The same process, perversely, makes her like him more, even as he likes her less. Even worse, it can make her like herself less!

Angela, like everyone, experiences cognitive dissonance too; her mind always wants its thoughts, beliefs, and actions to be consistent. It’ll nudge her thought narrative towards matching her actions, generally without her consciously noticing. For example, she might back-rationalize, “He’s not a bad guy. Otherwise, why would I have forgiven him so many times he’s been disrespectful? I must really like him.” When in reality, maybe at the time she only “forgave him”/made those excuses for him in order to not rock the boat or “be difficult,” that is, in order to conform to her social conditioning, not from any particular liking for him.

Facing his little jabs over time, the back-rationalizations can even harm her self-esteem. They start small, like, “He’s usually so nice. Something I did must have made him say that.” And as his jabs go on, she’s off on a gradual downward spiral in self-esteem. The explanations escalate too slowly to notice, until one day it’s “I’m always too sensitive. It was my fault for pushing him. I’m annoying, no wonder he treats me like that!”

What should you do?

In your own dating life, from the first time he makes a joke at your expense, or says or does something that makes you uncomfortable and wonder if he meant something mean, stop him immediately—don’t let it slide.

If what he said was just a misunderstanding or harmless fun, he’ll have a good explanation for what he meant. At the very least, he’ll walk it back immediately. Check him, as in, slow him down for a moment, somehow acknowledge what happened, and do something to “keep him in check.”

Of course, there is nuance here--You don’t want to suddenly get aggressive or jump to extreme conclusions (eg “You jerk, how dare you say that to me!”) based on any one comment. Instead, you just respond to that comment in a proportional way, roughly matching in energy. For example, if you don’t find a “joke” he made at your expense funny, you are not obligated to laugh along. You don’t freak out, you just actively choose to not encourage it through your laughing along. That means letting him laugh by himself, and letting that moment be awkward. You can look him steadily in the eye, not laugh at all, and say calmly, “I don’t get it. What do you mean by that?”

Even if it was maybe a bit funny, so it seems harmless enough to laugh, remember that a lifetime of social conditioning intensely pushes you to laugh along and to “not be difficult.” The cost to you can be large, nudging both your minds a bit as I’ve already described (his towards contempt for you, and yours towards self-loathing and/or chasing him). And what do you get in return? Basically nothing: just “not making him uncomfortable.” Since he made you a little uncomfortable, it’s okay and appropriate to make him just a little uncomfortable. Then let him either flounder apologetically, or reveal his hand by doubling down and attacking you (“uh oh, somebody can’t take a joke!” “I thought you were a chill, cool girl!”). Stand your ground calmly here, too, resisting the conditioning to backtrack to prove you are a cool girl who can take a joke. And then, calmly let the moment pass.

Harmon-Jones, Eddie, ed. (2019). Cognitive Dissonance: Reexamining a Pivotal Theory in Psychology (2nd ed.). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. ISBN 978-1-4338-3077-8 https://www.jstor.org/stable/j.ctv1chs6tk